A Letter to My Biological Father

Dear Biological Father,

I don't know your face. I don't know your name. I don't know your story - and frankly, I don't care to know.

I don't care to know why you left my mother and myself. I don't care to know why you wouldn't sign my adoption papers years after. I may physically share your blood, but you have nothing to do with me, my family, or my story. But I can infer some things, can't I?

I can infer that you probably hurt my mother in some way. I can infer that you probably wanted nothing to do with me - otherwise, you would have made contact years ago. Or maybe you did try, but all you got was the end of a dead phone line or my mother's cold shoulder.

But you deserve nothing more than nothing itself. You started something but you didn't finish it. As far as I'm concerned, you just up and left. Perhaps the story is different; perhaps it's less harsh than the way I've phrased it. But you'll never know the feeling of growing up with that unanswered mystery, Who is he? Why did he go?

I'm not saying that I'm suffering in your absence. In fact, I'm certain that my life is at least 10x better without you. In your absence, my real dad was able to enter my life and raise me as his own. I would not be the young woman I am today without him. He taught me how to read, ride a bike, and even today he's still teaching me the most valuable life lessons. When I call, he always picks up. His hugs are my favorite in the entire world. He was man enough to take your neglected responsibility (that being me) upon his shoulders. I hope you never know the joy of a father-daughter relationship. You don't deserve it. 

And in the years pondering your absence, I've recognized that you probably had a hand in making my mother a resilient, confident, extremely strong woman that I strive to be everyday. She constantly pushes me to keep my chin up and my spine straight, despite any external or internal turmoil. You're not here, but she is so beautiful. I hope you know what you threw away; I hope you regret it.

Do I think about you sometimes? Sure. I think about you when I'm feeling particularly introspective and inquisitive. I think about you every time I want to up and leave a situation. But beyond that? No. All you are to me is a question. You are no role model. In certain ways, you have affected me - but not positively. You are a reminder of the aftermath that negligence can bring. You are a reminder of the horrible things people sometimes do to each other. You are a reminder that there are people, places, and memories where no love, sympathy, or generosity live.

I'm no special snowflake. Everyone has an "effed up" family tale or two under their belt. No one's family is perfect - but in your absence, I've got two parents and two little siblings that are pretty damn close to perfection.

So I can't thank you enough for leaving my life. Without this, my reality as I know it wouldn't exist.

 

See you never,

Julia